Frequent Flyer Woes….

For the past five years, I have been fortunate enough to work for a regional “family owned” business which is based here in NC. The job has been a great fit, it connects my drive for selling and my passion for security. Most of my “territory” has been for the most paht within a 4 hour drive. Savannah, Atlanta and a little in Virginia. Business has been good.  The good news is my territory will probably be expanding causing me to fly a lot more… the bad news is my territory will be expanding causing me to fly a lot more.

Not that I am afraid to travel, after all the kids are old enough now and more independent but the thought of flying just seems to be an unavoidable work related PIA. Ovah the years, I have traveled a bit throughout the country and a trip or two over seas and every time I take to the skies I spend half the time in lines and the other half shaking my head wondering how the air travel process ended up this way.

Let’s start with booking a flight. I could write for years regarding booking a flight, but what amazes me is the different rates that are offered for the same flight. God forbid you see a rate that looks good to you and while your checking on all the other variables associated with the trip your rate increases. Why? Did the price of gas jump in the two hours since you last checked the fare. Did the Pilot receive a raise, promotion or bonus for this flight? Did the cost of a can of diet coke or crappy coffee spike due to some catastrophic event in the National Food Administration.

Time to book your seat…  First class, Business class, Window class, Middle class and Aisle class. There seams to be a different price for every seat on the plane. I love the Upgrade to the “Emergency Row”. Yes, Lets find the passengers who are willing to assist in an emergency and lets charge them more. That’s a brilliant idea. I would like to meet the guy who thought that up.

Time to take the trip. Remember boys and girls to allow yourself enough time so that you arrive to the airport at least two to three hours before your flight leaves…Are you frickin kidding me? So because the guy in chahhge of airport logistics can’t seem to put systems and or enough staff into place, we need to leave enough time so he doesn’t have to figure out the solution. This Jackass sits right next to the Price fixing jerk above. Basically if you have an 8am flight on Wednesday morning, you should leave the house around 11am on Monday.

Airport parking.  Let’s see what the choices are?  Long term, Short term, Hourly and of course Valet….Lets go through these. Long Term is the most reasonable, I guess if you call leaving your car in some dirt parking lot stuck away in some section where every hoodlem in the area is going up and down the aisles with a shopping caht they allocated from the local shopping mall where their “Most Wanted Shoplifter” pictures are posted in every store.. You also have some Long Term “OVAH FLOW” parking like at Logan Airport where the OVAH FLOW parking lot is actually in another city. The wonderful city of Chelsea. Another great experience, Drive to the airport, approach every Long Term pahking lot only to see that all lots are full and you have to follow the detour signs which is usually “Police Caution Tape” for crimes that have been committed the previous night. Another brilliant decision by the powers to be.

Then Short Term pahking…What is short term pahking? I am assuming it’s for travelers who are flying in and out the same day. Maybe just hitting a meeting in another city and returning in a short time frame…Now that’s funny!  Between the 3 hour prep time allotment, the delays ( A whole other blog) and getting from the airport to the short term parking lot is minimally 18 hr process for a two hour meeting in another city.

Hourly Pahking This is a great resource for all those heading to pick up a family member or a friend from the airport. They want you to meet them at the gate and help them with their luggage. How selfish are they? If they knew you just spent 3 times what it should have taken you to get to the airport, add that to the tolls and the and frustration you endured getting to pick them up, they should have stopped at one of those cheesy stores inside the airport and dropped $100 on a Thank you gift and got their own luggage and met you at the pick up zone.

Valet pahking..  The only thing I can say about the valet pahking is if you can afford the Valet parking, then you can afford a car service…what are you saving for?

Lets now move inside to the ticket counta. If you haven’t figured out how to get an electronic boarding pass, the ticket counta is an entertaining place to visit. I guess the biggest issue I have is with the luggage.   You saw the mental masturbation you go through when booking your ticket and accepting the cost of the flight….but wait a minute kids.. we’re not done screwing you yet. We are going to chahge you for your luggage now.  What a mess this creates. At the end of the day, bury that cost and make me feel like you are giving it to me for free. Pretend you want to put a smile on  my face, pretend you want me to have a good experience. Nope, now you have your customers/victims sticking all their belongings into one of those airtight storage bags, the ones where you insert a vacuum and that sucks ever ounce of air from the bag and shrivels all your stuff up and although it weighs 300lbs, it will fit in your carry-on and in the ovah head compahtment.

Lets head ovah to the security line. Again, I could talk about this forevah. Soon, the terrorist will figure out a way to stick explosives up their ass and I will get to the TSA officer and he will strap on his rubber glove and ask me to bend ovah, cough to the left and cough to the right. All the men on all the flight will have tears in their eyes. I assume 1st class will have free Kleenex.

On to the terminal waiting area…Oh this is a lot of fun. Now that you’re there, you need to plug in. After all, you’ve been out of commission for two days for this flight. As you look around, there is one outlet behind the Airline agent. You have multiple people fighting to access this one outlet and it looks like Clark Grizwalds Christmas light extravaganza.  If your lucky to get plugged in, you rifle through some emails maybe a task or two and you look at the time and realize that the plane will be taking off in 1hr and 10 minutes..time to shut down and to staht positioning yourself for the mad entrance.. Then they inform you that they will be boarding by zones. I look down and see I am Zone 14. I then look ovah the guys shoulder in front of me and he is zone 2. How does that happen??? I booked my flight 6 years ago. Why am I 12 zones behind this guy. Then I start assessing the carry on luggage situation. Not looking too promising. 90% of the passengers have 3 carry ons, plus a pillow, and some chick filet. This baffles me because it’s a 2 hr flight. So the moment of truth come where this flight may actually happen, they are getting ready to board. The tension is thick. I felt like a new calf in the middle of a heard of cows with Mad cow disease.

Then it happens

Lady’s and gentlemen we are ready for Pre Boarding with all those who may need some assistance. Then We are ready to board our “First class” customers”. I never understood this. If i was paying for first class, I would expect them to recognize my “first Class stature” before I board. Serve me drinks and cater to me BEFORE Ii get on the plane. Take my luggage etc and make sure that I am the last one on the plane and first one off. If your in first class, why would you want to spend the most time on the plane. The ambiance isn’t all that in First class. Then next is Military (Which is awesome) then Their AAdvantage Executive Platinum then their AAdvantage Platinum, then their “one World Sapphire and one World Emerald members, Then their AAdvantage Gold members and next their One World Ruby members, Then their Preferred Access members then Citi/AAdvantage Executive Card members and then The Jelly of the month club members and then they start with zone 1. After hearing the list and knowing I didn’t qualify for any of them…….my MOJO was shot, I simply started crying while I approached the ticket agent to check in my bag.

Once on the plane approaching my seat, I see the lady sitting in the aisle seat, with her neck brace on , her tray is down and she is going to town on her Chick Filet. Although I checked my luggage not sure where i am going to put my legs.

Yep, I appreciate the “Promotion but I will pass!