My Wife is a Pet Enabler

Enable:

1.   “To make able, give power, means, competence or ability to authorize”
2.  “To make possible or easy”

When we came home last week after a day out at a birthday pahty, we arrived home to the scene of the crime…I knew there was going to be a crime…the only question was Felony or Misdemeanor? There it was, a bottle of Stevia that I left on the kitchen countah was now on the floor in the kids office with puncture wounds like a seal swimming in the shark infested waters of Cape Cod. The dogs or should I say,  one dog, has struck again. While I am looking at the dog… (In order to protect the dog’s identity, we will call her Caroline), Debbie is saying it’s not her fault, we were gone and left her alone for almost four hours and forgot to give her a job to do and a chew toy…… and….. that I should not have left the bottle of stevia on the kitchen countah.  Oh yes, it’s my fault!

Often times I will stay up late or well after everyone is asleep watching my Red Sox get their asses handed to them. The house is dark with the exception of one lamp and the TV. I get up to check my emails one last time, and head to my office and then IT happens. I step in a cool but chunky squishy substance that fills the crevasses between my toes.  Realizing that one of our four legged friends has either had a stool movement via their ass or through their mouth, either way, it stuck to my foot like chucky slime. I then had to hop out of the house to our HAZMAT hosing station by the drive way where I can hose of this smegma from between my toes.  When Debbie hears about the incident she immediately is concerned that one of our “animals” is not feeling well and wants me to tell her what was in the substance as if I was some intern on CSI so she can identify which house pet may have a tummy ache and why.

Debbie always says “You’re a simple man, Mr. McGillivray,” chicken parmesan, cold beer and a recliner and I’m good. While watching my sox or Pats (Notice one gets a capital), often or as often as possible I will get up from my recliner and grab a beer. Upon my return, there she is( Dog #3), sitting in my chair. I never heard her run to the chair, growl, bark…nothing, just slipped in there via stealth mode and looked like she has been there for seven years. WTF… Just trying to get a beer and trying to get her out of my chair is quite an effort. Debbie just smiles and say’s how cute she is and looks at me as if I am an ass for making her move.

A while back we “RESCUED” this kitten who needed to have her eye balls removed. There were several other kittens we could have rescued but my wife wanted to pick the one that would cause me to have to call the bank so they would know this was an authorized debit. Having “Rescued” Mirabella with no eye balls she would walk into the walls or a piece of furniture that has been in the same place since day one. These head on kisses would cause a sneezing reaction where snot stickier than Gorilla glue is shot from her nose on the floor or the wall only taking a belt sander to remove it. I am constantly sanding, scraping and painting our base boards. Debbie only reminds me that the poor cat is blind. I get it and am not trying to be insensitive howevah  if blind people can learn to play the piano, she can learn the lay of the house and stop blowing cement snot all over the house.  I am close to taping a pencil to her paw as the first cat walking stick.

Between the dog hair, the cat hair, the puke, the shit, the drool and the snot it is amazing that our house is not wrapped with “caution tape” and quarantined from the rest of our community. Debbie cracks me up, If she sees the kids touch a door knob or a basketball or a friend’s bike they have to report to the hazmat washing station to wash their hands, but cat puke, dog shit, cat snot or dog drool and it all becomes OK. Because ……

It finally dawned on me last night while I was sleeping on the edge of the bed while Debbie and her animals slept comfortably in the middle…My wife is a Pet Enabler…I wonder if there is a 12 step program for that?  BTW, the dog’s name is Caroline…I will not cover for her…That would be enabling her.