It’s that time of year again, when Debbie and I have a date night. Our usual “annual” date night includes going to a local restaurant “Bone Fish” because she loves the “Bang Bang shrimp.” This girls got to get out a little more! But I do what any guy would do, take her where she wants to go. This week howevah a friend posted that she could not use her concert tickets for Journey and was selling them. I looked at Debbie trying to think of any reason why we would or could not go. I must admit, Journey has been one of my favorite groups growing up in the 70’s/80’s. The arena is only a half an hour from the house. Being in security, I can get one of the armed officers to watch the kids, so why not? Debbie agrees.
Our tickets, howevah, are lawn seats. Let me get this straight, they build a covered pavillion where there was once only farm land and then they extend the fence line out and chahge people to sit on the grass inside the fence. Either they are brilliant or we are stupid. But I take the optimistic road and envision laying out a blanket on a beautiful summer night listening to Steve Perry’s stunt double singing “don’t stop believing” while Debbie and I enjoy a glass of wine. 
Well, I do my research because the last time I saw a concert, I had a mullet. I see that they allow beach cheahs but they must only be twelve inches off the ground. “Awesome” we have two chairs that will be perfect. I think the cheahs will be much more forgiving to my gluteus maximus especially if I am sitting on it for a few howas. So I pack the cheahs, along with six gallons of watah (a different blog) and off to CVS to buy a Bic lighter and Journey here we come.
We arrive at the Pavillion and pahk the cah in lot F. It’s pretty much about 3 miles from the arena. Since chivalry is not dead in my house, I carry Debbie’s’ watahs , the two lawn cheahs and the binoculars of course. I had my hands full and it was hot. Lot F to Lot E, through Lot D around Lot C, up ovah lot B and across lot A. By the time we reached the entrance I was so chaffed I was in tears looking for a Yeti cooler to stick my ass in for some relief. Debbie suspected something was wrong when I asked crossing officer where I could buy some tucks?
As we approach the entrance the crowd thickens. Looks like the plan is to take six parking lots full of revelers and process them through two entrances where security is searching for weapons of mass destruction. This must be where all the TSA agents get their initial training. Really? What are they worried about? Some terrorist trying to take out Journey, sending a message to the world…. To Stop Believing? I know they will suspect something is up with me because I am walking with my legs so spread apaht I could fit a cah bomb in my crotch.
We get to the lawn, and it is a sea of people most of whom were at Woodstock!
We move as quick as possible to try and stake whatevah claim we can. We find what looks like the last 3X4 flake of grass left. Unfold the cheahs and sit.
The people continue to storm the grass knowles and I just shake my head seeing that my vision of laying out the blanket on a summer night enjoying the music was a fantasy. Then it happens… A group of slightly heavy, borderline obese fellow lawn ticket holders decide they are going to squeeze/insert themselves in front of us. They were so close I was in a fetal position on my 12 inch high lawn chaeh. Oh but it gets bettah kids, see the rule to have twelve inch high lawn cheahs only applies the those who could possibly get in and out of them. That clearly was not an option and they opened up their tall lawn cheahs smack in front of us. 
You know the cheahs, the ones with the backs, the bottoms, and a space in between. When they sat down, I was facing a wall of ASS every plumber in America would have been proud of.
Then one of the assholes handed me a nip of Tequila as if that would ease our pain. There aren’t enough bottles of tequila and/or counseling that could help erase that image stamped forever in my mind. The best pahht of the whole night was when the skies opened up with lightning and we were told to evacuate ten minutes before Journey came on. We left the wall of ass and never looked back…this is why we only go out once a yeah!
diary of a PB 