WICKED PISSA!

Wicked PISSA

Coffee ,Tea, then Pee…

Going the bathroom sucks! It’s that simple. It is an inconvenient nasty necessity of life. Some hate going the bathroom so much they avoid eating and drinking as much as possible. I myself, just go along with it and accept the process as “it is what it is”. But once again kids, we have seemed to have overcomplicated the process.

You would think going the bathroom at home is the best place for all of us. Not so much. Having two young boys, the bathroom has been a personal cultural experience/performance. Teaching little children to poop in the pottie was a memorable moment for most parents. Now that the cherubs are older it is great for us because we don’t have to change shitty or drenched diapers anymore, bad for them because we don’t have to change shitty or drenched diapers anymore. The kids were too young to realize that we were teaching them a skill set that they would need daily for the rest of their lives (Hopefully your kids are pooping daily, if not you may want to get yourself some organic vegetables and a $500 juicer). Can you think of any other skill set that your kids have used as much?

Now if you have boys, you have to teach them how to pee straight…. This seems to be more challenging than one would think. Some put frootloops or cheerios or pictures of people you don’t like in the toilet and have them take their mini gun out of their holster and shoot for the tahhhget. Ah yes, the joy and excitement on the kids’ faces when they hit Sister Theresa in the eye. Then there is the art of pooping. See pooping is an art. You may think this is an effortless transition howevaah whether you call it “Letting the bus out of the garage, pinching a loaf, dropping a dukie, chopping a log, cracking bricks, launching a torpedo, or a code brown”; teaching them to understand when the event is actually ovah can be obstacle number one.. My two boys could not be more different. One poops as if he was at a drive by funeral and the other one seems to be conducting his own personal filibuster. The one thing that has been consistent between the two of them is the pride they display after the delivery. This must be a boy thing? I can’t imagine little Mary Lou saying “Hey Mom, Look at the size of this killer seal” but my kids call each other in as if they were qualifying for the next poop Olympics.

Dukes of Hazard

Oh the days of the Dukes of Hazard. You had Bo Duke, Luke Duke, Daisy Duke and of course Boss Hog…Interesting names! My son has created a persona/identifier when completing a number two and he names it “Dukie.” “Got to drop a Dukie dad.” Going to find “Dukie.” Dropping “Dukie” at the pool. I don’t know where it came from, or to be honest with you when it stahhted, but it is now an unfortunate part of our family’s lives much like the Dukes of Hazard show years ago.

Up or Down? I was always taught to make sure the seat is down for the ladies. Not sure that is such a good ideah. The frootloop exorcise was good but let’s face it, the weapon can have a mind of it’s own at times and then all bets are off. We have sensors for doors to open, car senses to alert us when the seatbelt is not secured, can we not invent a toilet with a sensor that detects when someone is standing in front of the toilet and then lifts the seat…”A penis sensor”. The toilet should sense a penis because I know (And I can only speak for men) that our penis’s can sense when a toilet is near. Smahht phones are relatively new howevah smahht penis’s have been around forevah.

Whenevah traveling, say Driving Ms. Debbie around the world in the RV, she of course will use the RV bathroom during the trip. I howevah will go the bathroom only when I have to get fuel. Debbie doesn’t understand how I do it. Hold on to it for so long. If I am coming up on an exit and I make the decision to pull off to fuel and Pee, the Penis knows. He was fine for all these miles… now that we are getting close to a bathroom, the gasket can immediately blow. I pull up to the pump, evacuate quicker than the MDC pool after a floating Dukie sighting…..   Every step I take getting closer to the bathroom, he knows. The anticipation and excitement is almost overwhelming… and once I am at the “Throne” Life is good again…OK life is bettah than good…It’s GREAT! But WTF? I was good for miles and miles. If that exit had been closed I would have been OK. But once the decision was made “he” could sense the finish.

I am “Independent.”

I love going into a bathroom whether at the airport or a club only to be greeted by the “Bathroom Attendant” Are you frickin kidding me? These guys will greet you with pride, happy as shit and looking forward to when you have completed your business so they can flush your toilet, pump soap into your hands, give you papah towels to dry your hands and pour you some mouth wash. Who the hell thought of this? I am just a guy from Dorchestah trying to go the bathroom. I don’t want to be politically correct, I don’t want to shake your hand and I don’t want you to shake my… I just want to go the bathroom and get out of theah. I would love to sit in the interview with Human Resources as they look through the employment history, resume of the attendants to see if they have the qualifications to pump soap into my hand. What’s the pay? You get X amount as a base plus tips? How do they maximize their tip opportunities floss my teeth or wipe my ass? Who thought this up? Do we really need someone in the bathroom to help us? Do we call them “Personal Assistants, Operations Management, Quality Assurance?” So before you all get over sensitive on me for not being sensitive, I am not, nor have ever been demeaning or looked down on anyone who is working (no matter what the job). I am just poking fun at this process as it’s bad enough to stand there shoulder to shoulder while your peeing never mind having someone waiting behind you help you buckle your belt! Really?

Men deserve equal pee opportunities like woman.

The urinal. I bet there is an OSHA regulation as to how far a space is needed between urinals like parking spots in a garage. Only it seems lately that there has been consideration given for compact cars in a parking lot but doesn’t seem to be any consideration for larger or utility sized urinal space. Nope, let’s just squeeze in and have a pee. No place to hang your jacket, put your portfolio or bag. Pretty much need two hands at all times. Who designed the urinal that goes all the way down to the floor? I appreciate the confidence but that pretty much guarantees my shoes will be pissed on. (Either by me or my very close neighbor). I have noticed that in the airports, the shoe shine stations are outside the Men’s rooms? Location, Location Location.

Imagine lady’s squatting right next to the woman you met on the plane, or even bettah yet, your boss or co-worker. “Hey How are things? Did you get that report done?” “Nice Earrings,” “Can you hand me the TP?” Men are treated differently and are forced to maximize all networking opportunities. While standing for something we all have in common.

The latest is the Squwatty Pottie. This latest invention is quite concerning. The Squwatti Potti is basically a stool  that you put in front of you while you’re dropping a dukie that positions your knees equal to your head so that you are in a kind of fetal position while taking a dump. So instead of staring at the door you are now staring at the base of the toilet. I guess (Because I refuse to use it) it’s supposed to help your poop come out fastah…howabout drinking more watah! And I love the “Sliver Dispensor” The “Sliver Towel Dispensor”  that releases that sliver of Papah towel that automatically comes out when you put your hand in front of the sensor. When the sliver comes out and it’s not big enough to wipe the tears from your face due to the stench from stall number 4 you hold your hand ovah the sensor again and then again…after 8 times you have enough fractions of the papah towel so you can dry your hands, unfortunately they have dripped dried over my pants and I look like I had an epileptic fit while peeing.

Then there is the Blower…. Love that hand drying machine that they put right next to the sink. While you look like a moron because you are standing there with your wet hands under this blower, the guy behind you can get to the sink because you have caused a backup so he wipes hands on the side of his pant which was responsible for receiving 65% of the “Shake Down” Urine he attempted to expel from his penis at the end. Now his hands have Urine on them thanks to the blower. 

Maybe the colostomy bag is the way to go. Leave for work in the morning and when I get home from work,…time for a change!