Mercury Retrograde

Mercury Retrograde 

Have I shared with you that my wife is obsessed…Yep Debbie is obsessed with two things…Animals and RV’s…That’s right RV’s…Recreational Vehicles.. When I first realized she had this Illness, I shrugged it off and thought it will go away…I’m like “look at me, I’m too pretty to be an RV guy?”

Me in an RV/Trailer/Motorhome..whatevah you want to call it is like Donald Trump in a Womans Social Club… When I think of an RV or Trailer or Motorhome, I think of every toothless wonder/pedophile, perve, 8^th class citizen who is proud that his foundation to his home is 4 tires. But she won’t let it go. See, Debbie enjoys research. For yeahs…Yes, I said “YEAhS” she has been researching, comparing, shopping, and inquiring, about RV’s. Debbie will be on her laptop her Ipad or her phone and whenever I look over her shoulder her screen has a picture of some paht of an RV…”Honey look at this……oh this one has a round toilet with a pedal you step on that opens a hole in the floor and the shit drops to the ground. Or this one has an outdoor kitchen, long couch, short couch, place for the dogs, room for the cats, big bed, no bed, room for the kids, no kids, storage, no storage, big TV, kitchen countah, big fridge, small fridge….”. These things have more options than a “woman of the evening” in the combat zone in Boston.

So I wave the white flag!!!! Stop the maddess for the love of God lets go buy one. I figure if I spend 200k on an RV I will save money. If Debbie works ½ the time she spends researching RVs then I can retire and become the permanent bus driver she so desires.

So off to Camping world where they proudly inventory ovah two thousand units including, trailers, RV’s class A,B,C,D,E,F, pop up trailers, pop up tents, both used and new units and Debbie was looking forward to seeing all of them…

I knew this was going to be an experience once we met Bob. The salesman. Being in sales, I know that you only have one chance to make a first impression and good ol Bob sure did. I am not sure what impressed me the most, the stain on the front of his shirt that looked like he had a seizer while eating his vegetable soup or the one good tooth he had left. Bob, a seasoned professional who has been selling motor homes for 15 yeahs was ready for the McGillivray’s. I loved his opening tag line. “I don’t sell RV’s, I sell memories”…I don’t know what he sells but he isn’t selling enough by the look of it. Good Ol Bob was great though, he stayed with us showing all the units that I could nevah afford or fit in. Then Bob would disappear to sneak off to smoke his unfiltered camel cigs… sometimes he would use a pretext “I have to check on something” as if we could not tell what he was doing once he returned. A box of tic tacks would not have suppressed his human exhaust.

Well, aftah four hours of exhaustive tours and figuring out that I will nevah fit in any of these mobile section 7 housing units, I simply wanted to write the check and let’s get this ovah with.

Class C it is! Debbie is so happy, grinning from ear to ear not once thinking that as we get older, she gets smallah as I get biggah.

We talk financials and I shared with the kids that they just lost Duke University and will now need to go to an “In-State” college and if your motha keeps it up, we’re probably looking at a community college or a trade school.

We complete some paypa work and we make arrangement to meet again in a week aftah we break the news to our financial advisa that we just took his 10 yeah plan and spent it on a recreational vehicle. Can’t wait to see the look on his face!

At this point I don’t care! I am frickin tiad of looking at refrigeratahs that have 10% of the capacity we will need nevah mind no room for my beeah and bathrooms where I can shit and brush my teeth ovah the sink at the same time. I know that this battle is lost, she wants to be able to travel and take her precious dogs with her. (That’s a whole other blog). So aftah breaking the news to our financial advisa, who looks at me like he wants to have me drug tested, we are ready.

A day from closing the deal and becoming owners, I come home from work and Debbie has a glass of wine and a cold frosty beah for me. The wine is usual but a cold frosty in a glass waiting on me….something’s up. I sit with her and she informs me that she called Bob and said we would not be buying the unit afterall. When I asked Debbie why? She said Mercury was in Retrograde and it’s not a good time to make big purchases… Holy shit, I am going to need more than one frosty Sammy!